My Thoughts

It's been a while, and I know it's some people out there who faithfully check my blog for new shit, so here it go...

Throughout life we deal a lot of shit. Some good and some bad. A lot of times, it seems like only bad things happen to us, but we know that that's not true. Some of the best and worst moments in life revolve around relationships. Not the lil puppy love ones, but the serious, gave it all you got ones. Falling in love is one of the hardest things to do. Opening up fully to someone else and allowing them total access to your heart, even knowing the possible outcomes. It's such a hard thing to do because humans, out of nature, have a self protection side that has to be completely broken down to fall in love. That's why it hurts so much when you're in love and it doesn't work out. That's also why it's so hard to leave someone alone who you're in love with. You've allowed yourself to become so vulnerable and allowed for your self protective wall to be broken down and it back fired.

Love is a complicated thing, never knowing where it could take you. Allowing it to have total control over your emotions letting it take you as high as the stars above or lower than you ever knew possible. For those of us who have been in love, and even gotten scarred by it, I'm sure we've all noticed how hard it is to leave someone alone who we truly love even though loving them has caused us so much pain in the past. A lot of times, we fall in love with someone and don't even know it. By something as simple as a smile or the way they look at you, it doesn't take much. The craziest thing is being totally helpless in the sequence of things. Often times knowing some bullshit is going on but being so deep in love, you can't act on that suspicion or feeling in the manner you'd like to. Therefore causing the pain to grow and get that much worse.

When it comes to relationships everybody wants the upper hand. Everybody wants to have the other person "sprung," and nobody wants to be sprung. It's crazy. I often question how our parents, grandparents, and other people manage to stay married, 20, 30, 40 years and so on, cause it's hard for us now to stay together a year straight. Given my most recent relationship, I realized it's not because our parents, grandparents, etc are more mature, although they prolly aer, it's because they've learned to relinquish control. They don't strive for the upper hand in their relationship. Think about it. A lot of times with us and our relationships, we want the last word in the argument, we always feel we're right and never wrong, always carrying out an argument that a lot of times aint really bout shit at all. And when that relationship ends, we often complain and wonder why we can't ever stay in a relationship or stay But by them be able to do that, they kill an argument before it starts. A lot of times the other person might be right about something and you're wrong, or vice versa, and you gotta be able to admit that. And sometimes, even when you might know you're right, you just gotta shut up and let it go. It's hard sometimes, but it's needed. It can keep that disagreement from being an argument and possibly growing into a fight. I guess what I'm trying to say is to be fully in love and make it work, you gotta not only allow someone inside your heart and head. Meaning they should know you well enough to never have to guess or question how you feel about something. In addition to that, you gotta give up some power. You gotta be able to admit when you're wrong, and even when you're right, sometimes you just gotta let it go.

Love is one of those things that no matter how hard you try, you can never fully explain it. But I will say this, loving somebody and having somebody truly and fully love you back is the best feeling in the world. The scars and pain from being in love by yourself, or loving someone more than they love you, are temporary, it may take some time to get through it, but the pain doesn't last forever. And I aint tryna act like I'm perfect when it comes to relationships or nothing like that, cause I aint, and a lot of this shit I need to work on too, I'm just speaking from my heart, and speaking on the things I've learned from love. This is just my opinion....Thanks for reading!


::Signing off::

Untitled..

So lately I been discussing topics that I feel strongly about, and that I think a lot of other people do too, but today I think I'ma talk more about me..I'ma open up a lil bit more, cause somebody said I only tell what I want people to know, and that I should open up more, so here it goes...

For the past, I'll say 10 years, prolly longer, I been into girls. Liking the way they look, the way they smell, just everything about em...All different types....just girls period. As I got older, I got more serious with em, getting into relationships, going out, that type of thing and it was cool. Now 20 years of my life have passed, and I love women more now than ever. I'm in that part of my life where a lot of my thoughts, and events surround females...

It's crazy cause I can sit here and openly admit that women are my weakness. Women have a certain power over me that I'll never be able to explain and/or change. I love women...everything about them, if I could, I would probably surround myself by all females all day...not on no hoe shit and tryna fuck em all, but I just mainly like being in their company. I don't know what it is but it's just me...

I like having a female companion...not necessarily a girlfriend, cause I'm not always tryna be in a relationship and have that commitment....sometimes I wanna have my freedom, but I always want a female companion...someone I can talk to about anything, at any time no matter what...someone who aint going to judge me cause of the shit I do, but sometimes even partake in the festivities, or at worst express their dislike but at the end of the day they going to let me do me...I wanna be able to call up a chick and tell her to come over and have a drink wit me, watch a couple movies, smoke one or two, and shit maybe even spend the night....It aint even gotta be no sex invovled, like I said I just like a woman's company.

Today I told a few of my friends that I was lonely...not cause I felt like I didn't have anybody that was here for me, but because I didn't and still don't have that female companion that I want so badly. I don't have one consistent girl that I can call more than a friend but less than a girlfriend. It seems that whenever I meet someone that I would like to be a close female friend of mine, it's always somethin that prevents it...It might be that she has a boyfriend...and while I'm not tryna be no girl's nigga right now, it don't sit well wit most niggas that his girl is kickin it all the time with this other nigga...or it might even be somethin that happens to where we lose contact, and that happens a lot.

Maybe I'm looking too hard, but it's crazy because I don't even feel like I'm really looking for anything...I feel like I just seize every opportunity to make new friends and see where they lead...Maybe I'm doing that too much..I don't know..

Let me give my definition on what a female companion is, to avoid all confusion and shit, a female companion, to me, is like a female best friend...like I said, someone who's always up to kick it whenever...someone I can talk to about anything, at anytime...it can involve sex, but it doesn't have to...it all depends on the relationship between the guy and girl...someone who's gon always keep it 100 at all times, no matter what it's about...A female companion is kinda like a girlfriend....without the commitment...everybody's not always ready for a committed relationship, and this is i guess in a way, a stepping stone towards a relationship, because I would never have a female companion that I couldn't see myself being with. When I say it's a girlfriend without the commitment, I don't mean it as in, she just a stain, cause sex aint always involved, but if it is, I would look at it as those are the only people they're both sleeping with...

Like I said, I love women, they're my weakness and will be for a long time to come. I love touching em, holding, em, all of it, every aspect of it...and when I say I'm lonely, I am kind of. I miss having somebody to talk to, even if it wasn't about shit... I miss being able to confide in somebody, and sleeping next to a sweet smelling female...but at the same time, I'm not lonely. I have surrounded myself with some of the realest people in the world, male and female... As for the females...they are the coolest group of females in the world, and I'm glad I can call em my friend..

Shouts go to my Best Friend Tiffany...Love you best friend!!! The Bestest Bud Ammy down in Az, Big Sis Jade...and all my close female friends...I love all ya'll!!

::Signing off::

Differences..

I'ma start this blog a lil differently than the other ones...

Topic: Differences between men and women...
Song: Breakin My Heart
Artist: Little Brother Feat. Lil' Wayne

I've noticed that in my life, when it comes to relationships, there's a lot of cheating that goes on, and for most of my life, the man is often the one being exploited as a "dog," and doing his girl wrong. Now, I am in no way trying to justify a man's or anybody's reason for cheating, but I am simply offering my ideas and thoughts on it, as I have done with every other topic I have blogged about...

Somebody once said to me, that "a woman's life is love, and a man's love is life." And that makes so much sense to me. A woman spends her entire life yearning and wanting to be loved in ways she could never imagine...she wants the comfort, the honesty, the trust, that one man she can spend the rest of her life with, and a man spends his entire life yearning and wanting to live. Not necessarily wanting to party his entire life, but to simply live, never wanting to grow old, never wanting to be a 'grown man,' but instead just being grown(age wise), and successful.

When it comes to cheating, men and women, I think, have two different reasons why they do their dirt. There's no question that both men and women do dirt, but their reasons behind it are different, and that's why I think male cheating is always magnified, and women aren't really looked at as cheaters...atleast not as often as men are. Women, a lot of time, I think, cheat because something is missing in their relationship, because their is something that they are wanting that they aren't getting, whether it be love, affection, compassion, it's something. And men, I think, cheat, not beacuse they are missing something, because a lot of times, everything they've ever wanted is at home waiting on them...they do it for the excitement, the nut that comes from fucking a chick you've never fucked before...for a man, just knowing that he can do it and get away with it, is enough reason for him to do it, although it's wrong and if it ever gets back to his girl it will crush her.... Men will risk the world for hell, and women will give the world for heaven..and their heaven is being loved.

I think that is why men are the ones looked at as being wrong for cheating and often magnified when it comes to cheating over women. A lot of times, anything done 'for the sake of love' is viewed as being ok, and that's why women don't really deal with the static that men do when it comes to cheating.

I mentioned in my other blog that cheating is one of those things, that's unnecessary to me, but that doesn't change the fact that people do it. Including me. I've done my dirt too, everyone has, it's a part of life, but I can say this, that everytime I cheated, I never did it looking for love, never did it cause something was missing from my relationship, I did it simply because I could. I knew I could get away with it, and I knew that it would be good...Fucked up right? But hey if I can't be real on my blog then where else can I be real...?

This is life, I'm jus living it and commenting on it...Respect it!


Until the next time...

::Signing off::

In My Head..

While everybody is not the same kinda person, everybody is A person, meaning, that while everybody may not live the same way, everybody has to live this thing called life. Everybody aint gon go through the same thing, but everybody experiences the loves, the heartbreaks, graduations, high school, college, etc...We all go through the same shit, just react to them differently, some more than others, but you get what I'm saying... I say that to say this..Life is short! There's no point in spending...no wasting time dwelling and trippin on the smallest things. Not only does it shorten your life because of stressin, it keeps you from enjoying the present. You miss out on life because of one bad situation...

I aint tryna sound all "preacher" man like but I'm just saying what's on my mind....I'm saying it because I am one of those people that wastes time trippin on shit that I can't change. And I know I'm not the only one doing it, so I figured I'd offer my thoughts. I let a lot of shit get to me, a lot of shit I can't change, shit I have no business thinking about. But I can't help it. I try to keep myself busy to avoid thinking about anything, but no matter what, there's always a split second when I'm not doing nothin, that it'll pop into my head and consume my thoughts. And it never leaves. But I'm starting to understand that stressin that shit aint helpin me. I'm learning how to truly let shit go.

The reason we think about so much so often, is because we haven't let it go. We still feel an obligation to that situation, and what starts out as a small thought in the back of our mind, grows into a major situation that consumes our entire mind...why? Because we allow it to. We aren't productive enough to keep our mind from wandering, ironically, a part of us likes to think about it. It makes us feel good, or so we think it does, but somewhere in between the happy reminiscent thoughts about shit and the end of you thinking about it altogether, is something in that situation that makes you feel worse about everything than you did before you entertained the thoughts. That is why I say it is best to let shit go completely and fully, it's less stressful, and lets you enjoy life a lil bit more.

Like I said, everybody goes through the same shit, just in different ways, so instead of letting the bad shit get to you, and pull you out of your comfort zone...let the shit go...Like I always say, leave that shit to birds...It's really no point in allowing something you can't change or go back and relive, to consume ya life because life is too short, and we should be enjoying every breath we are able to take.

In My Head...

::Signing off::

I'm Back.....What's really on my mind...

IDK

Have you ever had one of those moments, where you really wanted to blog or write, but you just didn't know what to write? Like I have so many things I could write about, but it's like where do I start? Like you shifting through so many thoughts at once that you don't know which one to write about, or even ya mind just being blank....

I wanna write, I love to do it, it's important and helpful to me. I'm not really a big talker, unless I know you real well. I can say things on paper that will allow me to use every emotion I have, and say it in a way like no other. I was always that guy that was writing letters to girls in school....instead of just going and talking to some of em, I wrote letters, I was able to say everything I wanted to in the letter, mainly because I didn't wanna see their reaction, thinking it was going to be a bad one. And to some of extent I still am like that. When it comes to a lot of deep shit, you'll always find me writing it out, like right now. The reason being because when I talk, I can never find the words. I can never say exactly what I wanna say the way I wanna say it, and I don't know why. So I write....I write everything I've ever wanted to say, the exact way I want to say it, and not have to worry about it anymore. Once it to out, in any kind of way, I was cool. But as I got older, there were some things that you just had to do verbally.

And it's crazy because when I was little I used to stay on the phone, and had so much to talk about, and now it seems I spend more time texting, than I do on the phone, even with my parents. idk, somewhere in between 6-7 grade, I started writng and stopped talking. I started with poetry......that was my thing for a while, and I still do occassionally write a few pieces, but now I more so write life shit; journals, blogs, that kinda thing.. I even wrote a short-movie depicting real life shit with my own lil taste to it..it was for my creative writing class in high school. I loved that class, it was like the best class in my high school career, I just wish I had have took it all 4 years.


But anyway, I say all of that to say this, I got big dreams. And not just one, I got options...I love to hoop, everybody know that, and I wanted to make that my life, and I still do. I still wanna hoop, and I'ma hoop til I physically can't hoop no more, but I am starting to come to a realization that that might no be the path for me, the path designed by God for me, and I am slowly becoming ok with that too. I'm starting some new talents, and exploiting some talents I already possessed just never really utilized. Writing is one of those things that I've always been able to do, but didn't really mastering my skill until senior year in high school. I never stopped working out for basketball, never. I'm learning that I enjoy, as well as succeed at throwing parties, and could quite well see myself....For those of you who really know me, know that I am a fan of music, and when I really vibe to a song, I feel like I can write the perfect video for that song. I discovered a new talent....mixing drinks...working my way into bartending. I still hold basketball to my heart and it's my number 1 love, but I just feel that I should embrace these other talents I got.

Yeah, I got dreams of going to the league or over seas and playing, but I also got dreams of writing a book, writing some movies, maybe directing a few music videos, I was even thinking about opening a club one day, that way I could bartend a lil and throw parties like I want to...I got options and it's about time to start making these dreams happen...I hope ya'll are coming along for the ride...even the haters, I wouldn't be me without you.

Like I always say, Strength, Determination, & Faith are the 3 words that define success to me...

Strength - You gotta be strong to endure the hard times because nothing is always sunshine and smiley faces all the time...

Determination - You gotta be determined to reach your dream, and never let anything stop you, how determined you are to make something happen dictates the outcome...

Faith - With God, there is nothing that can't be accomplished. You gotta have faith in your God, and faith in yourself to make it happen...There is no failure when there is God.


Until next time...
::Signing off::

Liars

If it's one thing I hate, it's liars, I feel like it aint shit in the world that is that important that you have to lie about it, and if it is, then you shouldn't do it. Don't get me wrong, I've lied before, on some when I was young to my parents shit, not wanting to get caught and get in trouble shit. But now, I mean, we grown, well I am, and I aint got no reason to lie, to nobody about nothing, and its funny cause a lot of people, females, be thinking I'm lying. Like I said, I aint got shit to lie about, if I did it I did, and I'll admit it. It's one thing to offer off some information about shit, but it's another to lie and hide it, what's the point...?

Liars are the one hate more than anything, lying is so unnecessary to me. If you feel you gon have to lie about somethin, then don't do it. I was always taught don't regret anything you do, whether it's good or bad. Lying is so low to me. If you gon lie to me, don't ever let me find out, cause when I do, I'm done with the whole situation, aint no need to explain shit, it's just dead to me and so is the person who lied.

My question to the world is, what, honestly, is that important that you feel you gotta lie about it? I don't know, maybe I'm getting old or something, cause it's a lot of shit, a nigga like me just don't understand.

This post is like a follow up to the one I wrote last night, about fake mufuckas, cause them same mufuckas that's in my face, fake as hell, is the same people that be lying about unnecessary shit. And it pisses me off so much cause I don't feel like I'm nobody worth lying to, I aint nobody pops, I aint yo nigga, you aint gotta lie to me, and even if I am ya nigga, you still aint gotta lie to me, it aint that serious, really. If you lying to me, you fake to me, and I don't need to be around you, so this is me saying, all you fake, phony, shady, lying mufuckas, I'm through with ya'll, and like I said last night, ya'll know who ya'll is, so aint no need for me to name names, but just know that I'm done fucking with ya'll, all of ya'll...and I'm out.

::Signing off::

No More...

Lil' Wayne said it best, and I quote, "C'mon home biscuit, for man's sake, no more fake hugs and handshakes, stand straight, you sweeter than a pancake..." and I say that to say this, it's too many fake mufuckas around me(excuse my language), but real shit, I feel like I'm surrounded by fake people; friends, family, a lot of people. The shit just gets so annoying dealing with the same shit everyday, and it's even more fucked up when the people that's fake are people that's close to you. The shit is crazy, that's all I can really say about it, I don't wanna go into too much detail about it, cause I don't wanna name no names or nothin, and I don't really wanna get into it. I'ma just put it out there that it's a lot of fake mufuckas around me, and I know ya'll fake, just like ya'll know ya'll fake, so if you feel like this might in some kinda way, possibly be about you, then it just might be....

As for the rest of my day, it was iight, ran into some bullshit during my lunch break at work. I got stopped by a racist ass cop...that shit fucked my whole day up.

On a positive note though, me and brother had a talk, we got closer, we opened up to each other a little, and that was good. Me and him wasn't always that close, but as we got older we got closer, that's my best friend, my mentor, my brother, and my pops. No matter what, I know he always got me, and gon take care of me, and I'ma do the same for him. But that's it for now, I'ma have another one for ya'll tomorrow, I told ya'll I like this blogging shit, so ya'll just stay tuned.

Shouts to my big brother, I love you nigga...We gon make all these dreams we got come true, don't even trip, we all we got, and we gon use that shit to our advantage, the world aint ready for us.

Until next time...

::Signing off::